04 July 2016

On this Fourth of July only my body is free, every other part of me feels lost. There aren't enough hours in the day, I don't have enough time to complete task, communicated with friends, eat right, sleep, cook, clean - anything. I have been wrecking my brain to try and figure out why I've been feeling so overwhelmed and so lost. 

The answer?

I am further away from God our father than I have been many years. I feel as if I am in a tailspin, I am moody and often times I cannot think clearly. I am controlled by my to do list and alarms that I have set to keep my life on check. In the same token my spirit is off track and starving - for the bread of life. I know what needs to be done, yet I haven't pulled myself away to do it.

I honestly don't feel like I am living at all outside of moments with my sons. After they go to bed or naps I operate on autopilot. Eat, Drink, Watch television, check social media, text and work shopping list and to do list. I know my source and I know what sustains me yet I continue to live in this life that suffocates my soul.

I've set a goal, I am going to take some time away to reconnect to find myself and to search for that beautiful freedom that I once possessed. At the close of this week I am going to disconnect from media so that I can run into the bosom of the one who longs to love me and fill me, the one who promises me rest, just like I give to my boys. I want to be whole for myself, my husband and my boys. Ive always known that the best thing for them to witness is my relationship with God. I know for a fact that children learn by example.

Please pray for me, that the time would be beautiful, fruitful, and plentiful. Above all please pray that I might once again possess a Mary heart, in this Martha world.

38 As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

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