So I've been in a rut for some time now. While I am positive that I have found my groove as a mom to two, I am still struggling to keep up with myself. I haven't done any of the things that I love lately. I don't bake, cook(creatively), clean, write or dress up like I used to. It been so hard to look at other moms who can get these things accomplished without feeling inadequate. I KNOW that I am more than enough, I am just sharing all the emotions that surface on a daily basis as I care for my boys.
Many nights when my friends are hanging out and my husband is working late I put the boys to bed and then turn in for the night myself. I feel like my social life is suffering but its only right that I recover from a very long day of toddler wrangling. Often times I feel like my friends see this as an excuse but I remind myself that they don't have twins so they can't fully understand what its like. Chauncey and Oliver are no doubt my pride and joy and the center of my life. They make my heart so full. I just wish the world would stop shouting at mothers that we should do more, be more. I pour every bit of the good in me into my boys daily. I try and love them with the love of the Father.
I am slowly realizing that their won't be room for everything on my agenda and that's okay. My boys and I are still very much one, we do everything together. They are nearly 15 months old and we are still nursing, cloth diapering, cuddling, learning and spend most of our time adventuring together. I know that if I didn't do half of these things with them I could have more free time to do the things I enjoy, but I could never give up these moments and not feel guilty. I am savoring every single detail of this life as we know it, after all its just a season. A tiring season, a loving season, a rewarding season, and a season that I am not sure I will ever get to experience again.
So while to others it may seem that I could do more or that I am not fully committed or accountable, I know that I am right where I am supposed to be. I will continued to remind myself of that until it really sinks in. We are making memories and enjoying the gift of life from the greatest Giver. In time these boys won't be so little anymore and I will have ample time for me because again its just a season.