30 December 2015

I should be resting now, while my children dream of milk, toys, and kisses from mommy. Instead I'm struggling to sleep, I guess this is how it happens to the babies. Being overtired only makes you more awake but less productive?

I'm up thinking about where my faith has lead me in the past two years. God walked me down the path of infertility for 8 years and then down the path of IVF, pregnancy, and now parenthood. As I was chatting with two good friends tonight I shared my heart with them about being given the chance to carry life once more - I'd do it a thousand more times. I don't know what God has in store for my future but before going to bed tonight I asked him help me to remain content and satisfied with my portion.

My twin boys are by far my biggest blessing aside from my Savior. Often times when we make our desires known the tone can be one of entitlement. I never want to come off as that person. I don't deserve to have children more than any other person no matter what I previously thought. Children are a gift from God, even though some people don't realize that. Each day I am with my boys I feel thankful that I didn't miss the chance to be a mother and I want that for all my friends who are waiting on the sidelines.

I want them to experience this beautiful chaos and extreme love. I want more babies but if I had to sacrifice carrying life again for a childless friend to become a mother I'd agree to it in a heartbeat. I know God doesn't work that way, but I have faith that someday soon all the people I care for will have children of their own to love and cherish. I also remain faithful that God's will shall prevail in my life too. He will either lead me to pregnancy again or lead me to know that my family is complete. Until then, a girl can dream.

A Whole Year?!

30 December 2015

My heart just burst at the seams the day I found out that we were finally pregnant. It was April 16, 2014. From that day I struggled to see a future beyond the day that was in front of me. I could never imagine being at this point, mother of one year old miracle T W I N S. Just the thought of it overwhelms me, delights me and makes me want to weep at the same time. The days before their birthday brought me so much sadness. Don't get me wrong its been a complete joy watching them grow and learn from one day to the next. I am astounded with how much I have been able to teach them and the fact that I haven't lost my mind by caring for them. I am sad because I can never get those moments back again and this time has been so short.

Yesterday they had a party and that Saturday fell directly on their birthday. I woke up at 5am intending on waking them so that they could nap for 2 hours and wake up minutes before their party. My top priority was that they be well rested to enjoy their day. I scrambled around, stopping to weep as I looked at decor and their birthday cake. How does a whole year fly by so fast? It seemed like just the day before I was walking into the hospital frightened at what the birthing experience would be like for me. During the time that we waited for these miracles I lost confidence in my body as it couldn't do a basic function like bringing forth life. So many procedures and thousands of dollars later not one but two miracles were in my womb and waiting to come into the world. I was afraid because everyone says twins are high risk, if you are pregnant with twins you can't do this or that. Again I received another miracle, I carried to term and birthed my beautiful baby boys naturally. As I reflect on that day I glimpse over to view sleeping boys on the baby monitor. How does a whole year fly by so fast?

I hope I maximized the moments, I hope I took enough pictures and videos, and I hope they got enough love. Some of my memory has already begun to fade. Some things I thought I'd never forget are slipping from my grasp. How did a whole year fly by so fast? 

I know one thing is for sure. If I ever get to do this again, I will slow way down. I will be intentional about my time and my thoughts. I will cherish every single second of every single day because a year flies by so incredibly fast.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful sons, Chauncey and Oliver. You are my greatest blessing and my purpose in life. I cant imagine living a single moment without your sweet faces. 

I hope you enjoy this glimpse into their Beary First Birthday Party. Our theme was a woodsy pancakes and pajamas party for our sweet baby bears.

Please do not use any images without my permission, thank you.

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