23 Weeks: Surrender!

27 August 2014

Since our 21 week drama it's been pretty quiet on the twin front. I can only thank God for that. Even in this requested quietness I am battling my mind for peace. My mind constantly ping pongs with yes my babies are alive and then no they aren't. Almost daily I am rebuking fear, doubt and unbelief. I know that the enemy has set out to steal the joy and the happiness these two littles have brought into my life. He's done just about anything he could think of to try and turn me against God, myself, and others - it didn't work!

God has seemed unusually quiet since we came back to Florida. It wasn't Him, it's just a new season and I am learning a whole new level of trust. Not only am I learning to trust God and surrender my life but I'm now having to learn to trust Him with the lives of my babies. This journey to surrender is deeper than I could have imagined. Next year I'll choose an easier word. Ha!

Since our 16 week scan we've had a rough go at it and a lot of confusion with our perinatologist. One night after much frustration and tears God woke me and told me to tell the doctors what I wanted from them. His voice reasoned that their response to my demands would give me my answer on whether to stay or go. I called them and explained that I wanted the records for the babies switched to accurately reflect who is affected by this condition. I also told them I didn't want any more blood testing, no amino, and no more discussions about termination or selective reduction. I was met with opposition so my answer was clear. It was time for me to move on to a new doctor,  so I did. My new doctor's spirit has reassured me that my prayers for my medical professionals has been heard. God is opening all kinds of doors and placing believers in my path. 

This pregnancy is a faith walk for me. The miracles are similar to that of my IVF journey but somehow I feel a little unsteady in my faith shoes this time around. I know I'm in the midst of a spiritual war because I'm so close to my dreams. The enemy has worked hard to confuse me about the health of my children, managed to make me doubt my abilities to carry this pregnancy, and of all things a battle with doctors for the lives of my sweet babies. God always had the final say and my doctors words were a confirmation as if they had come from the mouth of God himself. She told me "Nothing has changed with what we see on the ultrasounds, but people walk around daily with or without that part of their brains. You and I could be missing ours and we'd never know it! Ultrasound scans are more thorough now and people freak out about the slightest anomaly. The kids look fantastic."

My babies are very healthy we even had a consult with a cardiologist to make sure their hearts were perfect. Everything checked out fine. Our next step is a MRI just to confirm what is not seen on ultrasounds but my doctor says this is just precaution and no reason to worry. So we will do that in about 1-2 weeks.

This journey is not what I expected. Even in spite of a potential diagnosis I am once again enjoying my pregnancy. I pray for these babes every single day, and I am still believing in healing for them. I am grateful for a doctor who says people don't know everything. Again she confirms the fact that God didn't make us all knowing or all seeing.

I still covet your prayers for my pregnancy to be full term and for my babe to be completely healed. There is nothing I can do beyond this point except love and fight for them while surrendering to God.

21 weeks: Painless Contractions

18 August 2014

"Wow my back hurts!" I thought this with every step I took while I was out running errands with my mom on Saturday. I finally let her know I was hot and tired so we ended our day out with a frappucino and a full blast air conditioned ride home. Honestly my back hurts daily but with the stretching of my uterus and a new posture I didn't think much of it.

After getting home I showered and whined to my hubs about needing a backrub. We cuddled, while he rubbed my back. I went to sleep and then woke up to eat, by then my backache was gone. I had tons of energy but decided to lay back down because I had spent a lot of time on my feet. As I laid down I noticed some discomfort around my waist. It almost felt like I had eaten a full meal and my belt was on too tight. I tried to sleep but the weird sensation kept coming. This lasted for several hours before it began to worry me. The discomfort was so obvious - I paced back and forth while googling to figure out what on earth was going on. That's when it hit me. "Maybe I'm having contracfions?!" As I googled no descriptions came close to what I was feeling. I felt like I was being a hypochondriac so I laid down again. I still couldn't sleep, then I noticed my uterus got hard as rock and that never happens without a trigger. So I finally woke my hubby and said I wanted to go to the hospital. I told him what I was feeling and he of course googled for his own peace of mind while I got dressed. I felt bad for waking him because I still wasn't sure exactly what was going on.

When we got to the ER, I told the staff I was having contracfions. They took my info and told me to have seat. I was so annoyed thinking how dare they make me wait when I'm pregnant. They were actually sending for someone to pick me up. When my chariot arrived I was taken to Labor and Delivery. I was put in a private room and hooked up to monitors. The babies and their hearts were monitored as well as my uterus for contractions. They did see that I was having consistent contractions, thankfully not strong enough to dilate my cervix. 

After being tested for a UTI I had an ultrasound to check the babies. A few minutes later a male doctor came in because my OB doesn't have privileges at my local hospital. He asked me to map out my day for him from the time I woke up to the time I came to ER. He listened very carefully and the verdict was in that I hadn't consumed enough water for all that I had been up to on a hot and humid Florida day. He lectured me and made sure my hubby was on his team. Of course two men would agree that a woman needs rest when pregnant to stop her from shopping! I was advised that I couldn't spend tons of time in the blazing sun and that I need to keep walking down to a minimum. I also needed to drink a gallon or more of water per day.

So there you have it folks. I'm not on official bed rest but I have limited my time outdoors. I am taking it easy as the half day in the hospital was absolutely no fun. Thank you for prayers and texts. I am now enjoying a few quiet days during this pregnancy. Thank you God.

Baby Stats:

Baby A also known as Punchkin is 12oz and growing on track.

Baby B known as Munchkin is 13oz and measuring a week ahead.

Both babies kick up a storm and get stronger everyday.

We are enjoying our pregnancy and are not even thinking about what the doctors had to say a few weeks ago.

On another note, we did switch perinatologist and oh my - this one is a keeper. She's a believer and truly showed compassion, love, and grace to me. Our first appointment, the day after my ER stint ended with her giving me a hug and a kiss. I could truly feel God's peace and presence in that visit.

Please continue to pray for us, we feel so blessed and cared for.

20 weeks: A Letter

05 August 2014

My Dearest Babes,

I've never known a love so deep and I suppose it'll only get deeper. Your presence has forever changed the course of my foreseeable life. Now that you are here I cannot imagine life without you, nor would I want to.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I instantly felt a connection that wasn't there before. Your tiny but strong heartbeats allowed me to dream again. I dream of your voices, your smiles, your kisses and coos. I can't believe it's true, I am yours and you are mine. A week later we found out that there were two of you - what an amazing gift from God! There would now be four sweet cheeks to kiss, four little hands to hold, and two sweet bellies to blow raspberries on. How could we be so fortunate?!

Today marks the 20th week in our pregnancy. It's hard to believe that we are half way there to finally meeting you two. I still can't picture what it will be like when I finally get to hold you two in my arms - but I know it'll be a great day. Just a few short months ago I could not fathom what it would be like to carry life in my womb. Now I can't imagine you not being there. I can't remember what it felt like when my womb was empty but I remember the pain I felt in my heart. You've brought fullness and joy with you, even in hard times it can't be taken away. 

Is it clear yet how much I love you? I've never seen your faces but I fight for you. I would even give my life for you. I prayed for you and God answered - I'm finally becoming your mother. You were hand picked for me and you're perfect in every way.

I hope you know just how much I love you.

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