Closing the Space

07 May 2014

Ultrasound at 6weeks 2days Pregnant with Twins

It's been a mere three weeks since I found out I was pregnant. Besides a few symptoms and hearing the babies heartbeats I still feel very much the same way I did when I was in the throes of infertility. Except now I feel like I have been kicked out of the only club to which I belonged. Don't get me wrong I am thrilled to be on the other side, I am excited to be expecting at last - but its a hard transition to make.

As I began to celebrate my pregnancy so many people around me suffered losses. Some of them had miscarriages, others were told that their IVF procedures had failed, and some ladies just can't get there because of finances. When you are a part of the infertility club you feel saddened leaving your sisters behind. You don't want to hurt them by sharing your excitement but you do want to celebrate and you want your sisters to celebrate with you. It's a fine line to walk as you never want to pick up and leave them behind without a thought.

I've talked to a few of my friends about this and what a relief to know that my pregnancy brought them joy and that they are excited to celebrate with me. Hearing that makes me so glad but even with all this relief I still can't help but shake these infertile feelings.

Then I realized that infertility is not who I am but it's a part of me. Infertility is the season in my life that closed the space between God and I. If I had not experienced this not so wonderful season I would not be so dependent on him now. I would not understand how much I need him to get from one day to the next. I know he wants me to move on and enjoy this pregnancy, but he also doesn't want me to forgot how he and I grew so close. He doesn't want me to forget the women that experienced this season with me. He doesn't want me to forget how far He has brought me.

He's reminding me that he has used less than favorable seasons to bring many of his children closer to him and I am no exception. I was so broken even before we began this infertility journey and it was through this journey God rescued me from myself. None of my experiences over the past few years have been about the babies that I carry right now it has always been about God and I. For all these years he has worked to tear down the walls I built between us and to free me from bondage. He didn't like the space between us so He used infertility to close that gap.

Have you experienced an awful seasons of life that you are now thankful for?


  1. I am so happy for you about this. How's it feel to know that you have 2 babies inside your belly girl? I bet ya'll are over joyed. I would love for you to guest post on my blog and share your experience if you would like. You dont have to. I just think it's a great story to share. esp due to the fact now you have twins. Let me know

  2. Our infertility and adoptions are those seasons for us. Like you said, they don't define us, but they allow opportunities for us to form relationships with people who are going through it now. And that transition is hard... I don't think anyone is ever sad that you're pregnant/adopting, it's just it brings up their fears again... so try to remember that.

  3. Beautiful written. So glad to see that ultrasound girl!!!! I love you whether you are pregnant or not pregnant, a momma or not a momma. I'm just so thankful I can celebrate this victory with you!!! The Lord is so good and I have loved watching him write your story!!!

  4. Its hard on everyone really... I never had a child of my own & would relate with the other bloggers that were in the same boat I was in... & now, every single one of my blog buddies have babies... except me. But I have loved celebrating with them, watching their baby bumps, seeing baby pictures... its hard, but its joyful all together. I'm sure you understand. You've felt both sides of it now.
    Can't wait for those baby bump pictures of you too :)

  5. Totally agree that the tough stuff is what brings us closer to Him, and infertility did that for me too for sure. I love that the space between you and God closed while you were suffering and not just because you got your prayers answered. I think so many time struggles are placed in our lives to teach us lessons and bring us closer to Him, but of course as humans we detest every second we don't get our way most times. I was just telling hubby the other day, "Imagine what different type of parents we'd have been if our 1st pregnancy in 2011 had succeeded, after trying for only 3 months." We have a COMPLETELY different outlook on life and on parenting having gone through so much to get to this point. Seriously, the struggle has changed us for the better in so many ways.

  6. OH, and congrats on the great 6 week ultrasound!!!

  7. Beautiful ultrasound and post. I felt you wrote this for me today :)

  8. I am so excited for you to be "on the other side" of infertility. It's what we're all hoping to achieve someday. I know the struggle is not in vain and pray that God would allow you to fully enjoy this new season of life! <3!

  9. You won't ever be kicked out of my club! :) So excited for you, and your story gives me hope for mine.

  10. Congratulations! I'm 12 weeks with IVF twins and it's just the greatest miracle! Infertility is the hardest thing I've faced, but just like you said, "Infertility is the season in my life that closed the space between God and I". I'm also having a hard time navigating announcing my pregnancy to those that are still trying. It's a difficult thing. If you ever want to have "twin" talk feel free to email me! I blog at
    Congrats again!!

  11. Oh my dear friend. I absolutely love your sensitive heart. I can only imagine this would be a really difficult transition time. You are so special and cared for, as are your babies! I pray that your heart is eased with comfort knowing that you may not be in the not pregnant club anymore, but you are still in the "awesome and loved" club. Beautiful writing as always. I wish I was a better texter, but please know I am always here if you want to talk. I adore you! (PS - Did that card ever make it to you? I sent it over a week ago and am hoping it didn't get lost in the postal system ...)


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