Wait Training

31 March 2014

As I type this post in I'm standing in line waiting. I feel like I spend most of my life waiting for something. 

Waiting to cross the street.

Waiting in line for whatever.

Waiting for cars, planes, and trains.

Waiting for dinner to be ready.

Waiting for my husband to come.

Waiting on God's direction.

Waiting to see the doctor.

Waiting to hear I'm pregnant.

Waiting to meet my baby.

Waiting to know my life's purpose.

Just waiting, waiting, waiting.

I'll be honest I never enjoy waiting, it's always been like torture for me. I haven't always been graceful about waiting either. Sometimes I could be a whiny brat, other times I could be downright rude and annoying. I feel like I spend more time waiting then anyone else because I'm much more impatient.

I have no doubt that God is working on me in the area of patience but I'm not exactly sure what he's building me up for. I am hopeful that some small part of my patience has been tried and tested for the journey that I would have to endure to get to motherhood and then another portion of that was for the actual journey of parenthood. But the rest of this wait training I can't quite wrap my brain around. I hold onto hope that God has something really really big in store for my life that's going to require a whole heap of patience.

I would be lying if I said my wait training hasn't been productive, I know it has been. God has taught me a lot about myself and who he wants me to be while I'm waiting. I've learned to be more accepting when things don't go my way. In waiting I have grown stronger in my faith and closer to God. I've learned to wait on God and to stay productive while I wait - but even with knowing all that still I don't like waiting. The bible tells us that waiting is good for us. In the book of Isaiah it says those who wait on the Lord will have renewed strength and won't grow weary. I still don't like waiting but that part is true.

If you know our story, you know that my husband and I have spent much of our marriage waiting for God to bring us a sweet baby. In the beginning of this period of waiting it was hard. I cried a lot, yelled a lot, and wanted to give up a lot. As the years went by and fertility treatments failed I became stronger, I was still waiting but I was stronger than the month before it. Now we are approaching 7 plus years on this journey and surprisingly we haven't grown weary. As we began this IVF process somehow we felt revived and excited. I am the happiest I have been in my whole life, my whole marriage, and the happiest I've ever been while waiting. I have experienced so much joy because I can feel God holding my hand and walking me through the most challenging moments along the way.

Waiting stinks but the promises of a great reward far outweigh the torment of waiting. I suppose this is only the beginning of a life of waiting. Especially once we add babies to the mix. I'll be waiting for them to be born, waiting for them to walk and talk, waiting for them to start school and to finish school, waiting for them to move out, start their lives, find love and give me grandchildren. Sounds like I have a lot more waiting ahead - I guess I better start liking it.

What I do like about waiting is knowing that I am in line with God's timing and that his supernatural blessings and power will flow over and into every crevice of my life. 

Your Turn: What are you waiting for? Are you the Saint of patience or are you impatient like me?


28 March 2014

Shared this picture on Instagram today. In this photo I was 1 month old, hard to believe I looked like this 27 years ago. Looking at my own baby face made me ache for my own little babies, I know they are coming soon.
Every single time I had an idea for a blog post I would lose it before I could write it down. 10 percent of my thoughts have been focused on taking medicine, eating, showering, and making it to appointments on time. 90 percent of my mind is consumed with thoughts of babies.

I didn't want to overwhelm you my lovely readers with all my baby obsession but at the same time this is my space to get it all out. I pray you will stick with me as I transition, sort out my thoughts and as I search for my sanity. 

Pardon me if I have said it before but "this IVF process is all consuming"! Even when I want to get my mind off of it I can't because I am reminded by something or someone that I am in the midst of a cycle. I take tiny estrogen pills twice a day, a prenatal vitamin, I email my nurse almost more than I talk to my husband and soon I will be the prize winner for daily injections. This process consumes me, but more than that it invites in hope and faith that at the end little babies will be holding onto my womb for dear life.

My days and night have been filled with sweet dreams of what our babies will look like. I've been praying to God for sweet tempered babies with my button nose and their fathers eyes. Our babies are already conceived - their eye colors, hair texture and skin color have already been carefully crafted and chosen God. We have six little ones waiting to come back to their home, me.

We didn't get to do much of this baby making process the way we had hoped but we are grateful for the opportunity to see God's secret work in the light of day. We know that he will give the right embryos to us that will result in the birth of our precious babies. It's only a matter of when. Until then I spend my days browsing baby things, meditating on scriptures about babies, and praying for my precious babies to be. I know that pregnancy and motherhood will have their challenges but the sweet smile on the face of those round cheeked babies will make it all worth it.

I'm consumed by thoughts of babies.

Forbidden Beauty

21 March 2014

Hey loves. As I work on getting my body detoxified I am back to eating some of my favorite uncommon foods. I haven't had any of this rice since last week but it super yummy.

It's called Forbidden rice also know as black rice. The color is a little odd because black rice is not very common. It has not been dyed in anyway, but is naturally grown. Black rice is full of antioxidants and highly nutritious. I cook it similar to the way that I cook brown rice and the results are very tasty. The flavor is slightly nutty but a little sweeter compared to brown rice.

Your Turn: Have you ever had? What's the strangest food you've ever eaten?

This Friday I am linking up with my beautiful friend Aimee from Click.Pray.Create to bring you Find Beauty Friday. The purpose of this linkup up is to find the beauty in your life, capture it, and share it with others. Share your beauty by linking up below.


17 March 2014

It's only been a few days since my last blog post, but it seems like it's been forever. I am finally feeling more like myself. I keep reminding myself that my body experienced surgery. No matter how short of a procedure, surgery is just that - surgery. Today I am still healing, I feel as though I'm about 85 percent of the way there. Honestly I would probably be 100% if I had not underestimated the effects of my very first surgery. I was trying too hard when all my body needed was rest.

After finally conceding to the fact that I needed to heal I rested in the bed and then graduated to the couch. Today I am sitting in a chair without a lot of cushion - that's something to celebrate.

As we move on to the next phase of our cycle I am working to get rid of the bloat and weight that I accumulated since starting this process. Unfortunately for most of us weight gain comes with the territory of IVF. You will gain weight, whether in the beginning or in the end. I gained during both parts. My body hated birth control pills and after my egg retrieval I was bloated like a blowfish.

We have a few weeks before we start the process of transferring our beautiful embryos back into my womb. So I am taking this time to reset my spirit, mind, and body.

I have started a new book by Beth Moore to help me continuing fighting my fears.

I have begun taking daily walks to get my blood flowing, it's warm enough now.

I have cut all carbs again to eat cleaner and to hopefully stabilized my weight.

I have stocked up on fresh fruits and vegetables along with nuts and seeds for snacks and meals.

The anticipation of Egg Transfer is killing me. I've always told you guys how I don't have much patience. Waiting for this has truly been a test to that, but I have waited for 7 years whats another month or so?

Your Turn: Help me eat healthy. Tell me what your favorite healthy snack is?

With that said. My lovely friend Aimee is sharing a lovely giveaway to celebrating the rebrand and relaunch of her beautiful blog. There are only a few more days to enter but it's plenty of time if you make haste.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Husband Shaming

12 March 2014

Today I am five days post Egg Retrieval. If you missed it my husband and I are in treatment for IVF. We began stimulation on February 23 which involved nightly injections in my belly for 10 days. My husband played doctor and gave me my injections each night. He was also taking antibiotics up until Egg Retrieval. I share the details of our cycle here.

But lets rewind a bit. I want to tell you how it all started. A few days before getting my new car, I had been prompted daily to call and schedule an appointment with a new RE. I ignored these convictions for a month and then before getting my car they came back. The conviction and direction were unmistakably clear I needed to make an appointment. Finally I listened and four days before getting my new car I called and made an appointment. I knew previously that my husband's work insurance did not cover infertility treatments or pretty much anything fertility related. So I asked the price for the testing and appointment and was prepared to pay it on the day that I went in. The financial coordinator for the office called me a day before my appointment and asked for my insurance info. I told her they would not cover anything but she insisted that we try. So I gave her the info, all the while I was rolling my eyes and highly annoyed. A few days later we went to our appointment ironically it was on the same day I was fasting with a group of women to end abortion. We talked to the doctor who actually listened to our concerns and had familiarized herself with our medical history long before we got there. She was thorough and said that we looked like great candidates for IVF but she wanted to run more test.

We felt at peace that if we were to do IVF she was the doctor and this was the place that we would start our treatments. So that's what we did. Before leaving the appointment I tried to pay for the services and the front desk coordinator informed me that they would submit the bill to the insurance and if they didn't pay it they main office would bill me.

I continued to think negatively of my insurance company and knew I would get a bill very soon. The next day I had a Saline Ultrasound and Mock Transfer all in one. Less than a week later I was told that all my genetic test came back normal. Two days after that I met with a genetic counselor and went over our family history for a risk assessment. All the while I had not paid one red cent. I began to worry about the bills thinking they would come and be insurmountable but I was reminded to trust,  believe, and surrender. My doctor called me again and told me she believed that my tubes were blocked based on a report from my old HSG. She said she tried to check during my ultrasound but saw nothing. I was advised to try and get the films but was told that we could move forward with out them.

I contacted my old RE's office to try and track down the films. They gave me the run around and I gave up because it was getting too stressful.

Fast forward to February 9th I went in to have Day 3 bloodwork done. Less than two hours later I got a phone call saying that everything looked fantastic and that I was cleared to start birth control for my IVF cycle. I was amazed and couldn't believe it - I was excited and then all of a sudden worry hit me like a mack truck. How were we going to pay for all this? My husband and I had a good amount in savings but that took a huge hit when we got my new car so I knew what was left wasn't going to be enough. Again that small voice reminded me to trust, believe, surrender - so we moved forward.

I took birth control pills happily for 13 days before beginning injections. I also worried a bit on how we would afford all the meds we needed but we were given a few meds by my sweet friend Kasey and paid for the rest ourselves. Her sweet gift helped us save money to use towards other areas in our IVF process. Thank you for being a part of our journey in your generosity and support.

My husband who I originally didn't trust to inject me was eager to learn at our meds class. One of my friends cycling with me encouraged me to give him a chance, I said okay but still planned to do the injections myself. During our meds class my husband asked tons of questions and practiced on the fake belly, when we went home that night he said he felt confident and wanted to try. My friends words came back into my mind and then that small voice returned and said trust, believe, surrender. Three days later my husband mixed the medicine and gave me my first injection - it wasn't so bad and by the next night he was Dr. Hubby practically a professional. For 10 days my husband injected me at 7pm each night. He was very gentle and letting him handle the medicines took the pressure off of me and I was able to just relax. He drove me to each of my appointments prayed for me when I had to get bloodwork because my veins are hard to find. Each day during this process I could feel our marriage growing strong.

Before I knew it the day for Egg Retrieval came. I hadn't eaten anything since about 9pm the night before. We had to be to the doctor's office at 9:30am for retrieval but we both couldn't sleep so we were up by 7am. I hopped in the shower to prep for the retrieval, at this moment my husband began to loose all the brownie points he had scored over the past three weeks. When I came out of the bathroom I was assaulted by the smell of sausage, eggs, grits and maybe toast! I came flying into the living room to see if my nose was deceiving me. I found my husband eating while I was starving and had many more hours before I could eat. The only thing I could do was take his photo in hopes to bring him shame for not fasting in solidarity with me. Of course he tried to hide from the camera but you can see his plate.

My mom called me right after I took his photo to let me know that she and her husband were praying for us. She said she was even fasting and wouldn't eat until I was out of surgery. What a sweet thing to do even my mom knew it was important to fast with me. Who's making these babies me and him or me and my mom. Ha. (P.S. this was all in fun, I was not upset just poking fun. Hubby was on antibiotics and he had to take them with a meal, I just forgot before taking his photo).

After husband shaming commenced Mr.FixIt, I mean Dr.Hubby and I went to check in for our Egg Retrieval. I prayed several times because my heart was beating outside of my chest. My heart was beating at 102-108 beats per minute. I was nervous because I had never had surgery or been put under for any reason. My hubby did his part while they prepped me and got my IV in. My IV didn't hurt a bit and probably because my thoughts were focused elsewhere. Each of the ladies that were there for Egg Retrieval went in and came out. It was finally my turn and my heart began to race again, that small voice said trust, believe, surrender. 

As I walked down the hall into the room I was over taken by nervous laughter. I got on the table and they told me to put my butt in the hole, I said what hole and they said you'll know when you find it....then I found it. The lights were dimmed in the OR almost like they were taking me out on a date. The anesthesiologist was handsome like Liam Nesson, he told me I would feel sleepy soon. I laughed again while they tied down my legs and arms I was not sleepy in fact I was wide awake. I thought to myself you aren't putting me to sleep.

Then I woke up - in another room, talking gibberish and I only know this because I was video taped. The doctor told my husband that I had 14 eggs removed. We expected more but he assured us that 14 was a great number. I was in tons of pain and as I type this I am still on the mend, and copping with pain meds. I got the report that of my 14 eggs 10 have become beautiful embryos. I just wanted to share this with you all since I have been a little hush since we started. God provided and talked to me throughout this entire process. He's even talking to me as I go through waiting for a Frozen Embryo Transfer.

It's been more than a month since we had our first appointment with our RE. God has provided every dollar we needed in this journey we never thought we could afford. Each time we've been asked to pay something the money was right there, and other times we were never asked to pay. God has provided, God is good!! He told me to trust, believe, and surrender - I finally did and he's done more than we could have ever imagined.

I request that you pray for our 10 embryos that they make it to freeze and that our preparation for a frozen embryo transfer would go as smooth as possible. I can't wait to share updates with you all. In the mean time continue to check the Baby FixIt button to the right I am updating there whenever we get news.


10 March 2014

Today I'm 27. 

I've never regretted growing a year older. I've always shouted my age from the mountain tops, always found excitement for the new year that was ahead of me. However this year, things are a little different. Although I am glad to be alive - this year, this birthday, 27 has seemed distant, different, and far from my mind. There are so many places I thought I would have seen, things I thought I'd be doing by 27. 

I haven't failed, but my life is on a totally different course than what I imagined. 

I'm 27 today, wiser, stronger, loving, joyful, and spirit filled. 

I'm a different 27 than I thought I would be. I've had different experiences and I am living a different reality.

I am grateful for year 26 as it comes to a close. It's brought many challenges, blessings, knowledge and a deeper faith than ever before. As I settle into 27 I look forward to all that this year will encompass.

When I turned 26 I had already thought about how I would be celebrating my 27th year. Never did I think I'd be held up at home, in bed, managing pain with narcotics. This birthday is different than any other birthday I've ever had. I won't be going out for dinner, a movie, or opening many gifts - but this birthday has brought me more joy than any before. 27 is starting off differently than I expected but I am grateful already for what this year will hold.

I feel older today, not old but older. 

Today I'm 27. 

P.S. Happy Birthday to my birthday twin Hannah. I hope your birthday is full of sunshine, blessings, and kisses from God.

Your Turn: When's your birthday? What year did you begin to feel older not necessarily old but older.


07 March 2014

I am slowly getting back into the kitchen, you guys know how much I love to bake and cook. I have been super lazy the past few weeks and I only attempted to cook in preparation for my upcoming Egg Retrieval. Artichokes are one the prettiest foods I make...well before they are cooked. I love making these with faux cheese and baking them in the oven. It's one of the yummiest cheesy vegan recipes I have made to date. Hoping to share this with you all when I finally come out of this IVF haze.

Your Turn:Do you like artichokes? How do you eat them? What's the prettiest food you've made?

This Friday I am linking up with my beautiful friend Aimee from Dear Harper Blog to bring you Find Beauty Friday. The purpose of this linkup up is to find the beauty in your life, capture it, and share it with others. Share your beauty by linking up below.

Marching In

03 March 2014

Wow we are three months into the new year. I can hardly believe it but I welcome the change in season so come on in Spring. I am excited for all the wonderful things the month of March brings - but I also wanted to start setting some goals for this month because I have let so many things slip through the cracks.

So for the month of March my goals are: 

Start a new book. In addition to my devotional readings I would like to finally start digging into my for pleasure list. I recently swapped books with a friend and I am super excited to start reading it.

Set cut, copy, paste short cuts on new computer. I recently got a new computer and I haven't been up to setting it up completely. I need to fix the keyboard controls so that blogging doesn't take me 2 hours.

Have lunch with friends. I want to nurture a few of my friendship and plan to have a few dates with friends this month. Excited for day dates and pot lucks. 

Explore. I am believing for warmer weather and when that happens I want to get out more and explore the city. I'd like to find more vegan and ethnic food restaurants. 

Send Snail Mail: Lately I have been pretty good about sending snail mail to my friends but I want to dedicate some time to write to my family members. I don't call them all often because we are on totally different schedules but I know a sweet note would make their day.

Bake. It's been a while and I need to get reacquainted with my mixer and baking gear again.

Give myself grace. I have a lot of things that I would like to accomplish but if I don't I need to give myself grace. I am going through a very critical time in my life and I have been so worried about not keeping up with people, places or things like I used to. I am realizing that those things can wait, this journey requires my full attention and sadly all my energy.

Your Turn: March is here do you have any goals for this month?
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