Last week in Part One I talked with you all about how I begun to lose respect for men. I skimmed over the surface of the feelings that plagued me when I was around my Dad. I had begun to hate him over the years, I know that hate is a very strong word and I also now know that it is the completely opposite of what God created us to be. Hate should be foreign to a parent child relationship, but in our relationship hate was known all to well on my end.
I know that the hate started to grow out of the disappointment and rejection that I felt from him. I also have an older sister from a different mom whom my Father was close to and very supportive of. I expected the same things from him that he gave to her and I always compared her life to mine. For instance when she graduated high school my Father was there for her so naturally when my high school graduation rolled around 4 years later I expected the same. It didn't happen. Just a month after my high school graduation I was headed down the aisle to get married, I didn't even send my Father and invitation. Before my mom had given my husband and I her blessing for marriage she talked to him about it and he did not support the choice. She still gave her blessing and continued trying to foster a relationship between us so she invited him to come. Since I had known that he would not be there for the wedding one of my uncles happily took on the task to walk me down the aisle. Don't mind his face the men in my family look the same way happy or sad and he was very happy - he even cried.
On the day of my wedding I made it down the aisle to be married and I didn't see my Father in the crowd. A little after the vows begun he and his new wife snuck into the church and sat in the back. I had a mixture of emotions flood over me but I quickly turned my focus to the vows that I was making to the love of my life. The ceremony ended and we proceeded to the reception. When it was time for the Father and Bride dance my Father came from the back of the reception hall to dance. I was so upset because it lead to so many questions about why he did not walk me down the aisle and I slowly started to feel inadequate like it was my fault. In anger I said that I would not dance with him, but my Uncle encouraged me to do it just for five minutes and promised we would have our dance after. I did it, and it seemed like the longest song in my whole life. While dancing my Father made comments on how beautiful I looked, how pretty my wedding ring was, and made all these promises to help us start our life together - whatever that meant. So I decided that I would allow him a final chance to get it right. Mind you this was the mentality that I had at 18 years old, I had not learned anything about extending grace.
After returning from our honeymoon my father had promised to come and spend some time with my husband and I preparing our first home. He did nothing of the sort, in fact every time that I called him his wife picked up the phone and told me he was in the shower or sleeping. He blew me off and that was the last straw he had lied again. So I decided I hated him and I wanted nothing to do with him ever again. I literally did everything short of changing my phone number but I cut him out of my life. He continued to make desperate attempts to contact me or have other people in the family call on his behalf. Remember in this post I talked about how I spent most of my life in the performing arts? Well when I got tired of listening to my Father's messages on my voice mail I decided that the next time he called I would speak to him in Spanish to make him think he had the wrong number. It worked and he stopped calling, I was so glad. I am almost too ashamed to let you all see how dark my heart was at that time but it's apart of my story.
For seven years I ignored my Father and pretended he did not exist. I even got mad with my mom when she talked about forgiving him and anytime someone talked about showing him kindness it made me cringe. My heart towards him was black I didn't care if he lived or died because it wasn't my problem. In 2009 I had began the process of reconnecting with God. I had joined a new church and began to grow in my faith. I was not diligently studying God's word but I had began praying and serving in my church. So I never expected God to speak to me at that point - but he did. In 2010 God showed me a dream, in it my Father was dying from cancer. When I found out he died I screamed out in pain because the dream seemed so real. God spoke to me in the dream and told me to reconcile and to forgive.
He used this dream to show me that I had been lying to myself - that I really did care about my Father and that I needed to forgive him. Instead of listening to what God told me to do I found a loophole, I decided to call one of my aunts to find out the condition of my Father's health. She confirmed that he was fine and as healthy as an Ox. Once I had regained peace of mind it took another year before I would revisit the idea of forgiving him.
I was so stubborn, so hate filled, and so defiant that I disobeyed God. He wasn't letting me off the hook, he allowed me to ignore him for a whole year but that would soon come to an end. Stayed tune for the testimony and final Part Three.