Devaluing Men: Part One

22 July 2013

I have talked about my life in bits and pieces. Never the meatier topics, never the things that embody why this blog really exist. Last week I talked about my Shame, but now I want to give you a little more background on who I really am and how God has worked in my life.

Growing up I fell into the 1/3 statistic - that statistic said that 1/3 of American children grow up without fathers. My home consisted of my older brother, mother, and I. We were the 3 musketeers and while I was living that life I did not see anything wrong with it - to me it was the norm. Granted I probably knew much more than your average child at 5 years old and that was because my mom told us everything. I mean she really had to because without a father around my brother and I needed to know more about taking care of ourselves should anything happen to her.

It wasn't until I was in school that I realized that "Dad" was more than a title and that being a Dad had a meaning. Seriously most of the children in my family have no active fathers around, and if they did come around I never saw them doing much. Even when I look back to my mother's generation the men did nothing, so being raised by a bunch of women was normal - I had a fatherless family. In elementary school I was exposed to people that lived differently from me. These kids had Dads that came to school on field days, picked them up early when they were sick,  or came to scold them when they got in trouble. Granted my mom could do all those things but she was alone, she worked and didn't have help like my friend's moms.

Now my Father was not dead and I knew who he was. Most importantly he knew who I was but it didn't seem like he was that interested. Every so often I would spend the weekend at his house but aside from asking me to wash the dishes I can't tell you anything that we did together. I didn't know his favorite color, food, sports team, car, or even his favorite beer and he drank those a lot. I knew that he worked hard but at the end of the day what does that really mean to a child. Especially a sassy pot like me? My mom worked hard too, yet she found time to invest in me, love me, share with me, and teach me. My Dad? Well besides the occasional present and saving me from one well deserved butt whooping he did absolutely nothing. 

I am grateful for the fact that I knew who he was so I was not left wondering. His inactivity in my life unknowingly shaped my view of all men. I looked at my Father and the Fathers of the other kids in my family and noticed a trend - they were absent. Some of them were in prison, drunks, woman beaters, had other families, or just didn't really care. The ones that did come around had trouble staying committed to the families they had made. My Father fell into the later. I am not writing this post to bash men because women have just as much to do with this after all it takes two to make a baby. Nor am I writing this post to bash my Father. I am writing because men are integral to the family unit and it's high time society stops viewing single moms and dead beat Dads as the norm. 

I never benefited from having a Dad and he missed so many moments in my life. He missed

Good Things: My Birth. First day of school. Dance recitals. Field days. Science Fairs. Middle School. My first job. Theatre Performances. High School. Prom. Graduation.

Bad Things: Talks about Boys. My first pipsqueak of a boyfriend. Me being sexually assaulted.

Good Things: Walking me down the aisle on my wedding day (he was there though....long story). College. My first apartment. Moving. Traveling. 

Living without a Dad did not scar me for life. I didn't become promiscuous, I didn't find myself in a string of bad relationships, but I did devalue a real man's worth. My vision of men was skewed and I saw them as worthless. I knew two solid facts about men, they didn't care and they were never there. Where was my Dad? Was he the same place Adam was when Eve ate that apple right in front of him? Was he was mentally checked out? His absence taught me that I could live without the presence of a man in my life, or could I?

I want to say again this story is not about men bashing, it's about how as a fatherless child I overcame. Stay tuned for Part Two.


  1. What an incredible post! Praise the Lord for overcoming! Can't wait to read part 2!

  2. My parents are divorced, but my dad was very present in my life. He fought to see us and made sure that we knew he was always there. I'm so sorry that your dad made you feel like he didn't care...that must be awful However! You seem to have grown into a strong, independent, smart women, so be proud of that. All of the things that you listed-good and bad moments-are HIS loss. :)

  3. I've had both parents my whole life. For almost 30 years now. and I dont know what it's like to have parents who are divorced or not that. I have cousins and friends who either have divorced parents or one or the other but not both. Just be the person you are you and I'm sure you're a strong willed woman.

  4. Hi Charity, glad I stumbled across your blog. Although our stories aren't quite the same, I can certainly relate to how issues with our fathers can spill over into how we view all men. Such an excellent post.

  5. It's so hard that so many women and men grow up without a father. My dad may be around but he is very inactive in our lives and that's harmful too. I'm so sorry you had to grow up in this situation and praise the Lord that He can be your dad!

  6. I'm visiting/following today from the Night Owl Venting hop.

    Your post is interesting. I had a father who passed while my mom was expecting me. The events that took place after were life forming, but I haven't ever really taken time to assess how they affected me, or how I could have used those things for the better of myself and everyone around me. Too late now, but it would have been a very useful thing to do.

  7. I'm so sorry your father was more present growing up. I hate that for you and anyone else with absent parents, but I love how you are able to see the mistakes he made and let it make you a better person and not a bitter person. I'm glad you were able to find a loving and caring husband!! Thanks for sharing :)


  8. You know I just love your blog - and this post was really great to read because we have a lot in common in the family issues. My dad has been absent from my life for about 8 years now and missed out on so much, as we have been raised by my single mom. thank you for your openness and for sharing. Looking forward to part 2.


  9. Incredible! Thanks for sharing your heart. You overcame!! So thankful for the Lord's protection over you!!! Amen!

  10. I feel a powerful testimony on its way....:-)


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