Faithful Friday: The Truth

21 June 2013

So last week I missed posting for Faithful Friday all together. I was in my bed thinking of how I could inspire my readers, and then my husband brought me my medicine and I went to lalaland! So my apologies but thank you all for your patience with me and for your kind thoughts and prayers for my healing.

The week before I had to go to the ER I allowed my pain to build up. I knew that something was wrong, and I could feel the problem as it became worst and worst. My hope was that one day I would wake up and feel 100% better, but I didn't. I finally went to the doctor at the point where I could no longer handle the pain and the fix was simple, and after days of suffering I am feeling more like myself. I have been experiencing something similar in my spiritual life these days. In late April I noticed that I was not feeling the same connection that I once felt with God. That problem has been snowballing since my husband and I were unable to start our IVF process. Don't get me wrong I have pushed through it in prayer and in quiet time. But even in doing all that I still feel off kilter, I still feel a slight disconnect or a change in the connection that I had to God. 

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My connection to him is not and never has been based on answered prayers. What I do know is that many times our human emotion can get in the way - and I refused to let that happen after getting bad news. So I threw myself into reading, praying, and studying and I did not take time to confront all that had transpired. So I am doing that now. The truth is I know that God is mighty and powerful and that his will always prevails. But I am disappointed in the journey that I am on, I am saddened by the fact that my husband and I have not conceived naturally in nearly 8 years of marriage. I am sad that our one hope of conceiving caused us to move 1300 miles from our home in Florida, only to discover later that there was another problem. I am angry with my doctors in Florida who didn't take me seriously because of my age and caused us to waste extreme amounts of money on procedures that they believed would not work. I am confused as to why my body is not working properly when I take good care of it. More than anything I am some what fearful of living a future and not being able to share the one thing with my husband that he desires most out side of God - children. 

My husband and I have gone through so much in our short marriage we have battled finances, disappointments, family problems, and now the biggest of them all - infertility. It's ugly, scary, heartbreaking, and lonely road to face. Absolutely no one in my family or my husband's have ever dealt with anything like this - so often times we feel completely isolated from everyone. I assumed that we would live a fairy tale - get married, move into a nice home, get a dog, and raise a few kids. The latter part of that has yet to happen. We still get so many questions about when we will start a family and or if we want kids, some people even say really hurtful things to us without realizing what we are going through. We have feelings but we also have our faith and we believe in God's plans.

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I know God's will always prevails, but I need to face my emotions head on. And putting them out here in this blog world will help me do just that. Today I reaffirmed that in life we have to face many ugly things so that we can identify the beautiful ones. Something in life must die so that new things can be born, I still do not know what part of me is dying but I sure cannot wait to see which part lives. I refuse to let my emotions guide me but sweeping them under the rug does not work. I am telling God today that I am scared, worried, and disappointed with all that has transpired, it might sound ungrateful but it's the truth. God loves our honesty, and why not be transparent with the only one who knows my thoughts. I really don't know where we are headed on this journey, or where we will end up, but today I am declaring that my future is not in my own hands. I need to rest in God's promises and to stop trying so hard to do everything on my own, I'm tired and I am weary. The disconnect that I am feeling is the result of trying to do things in my own strength. There is nothing that I can do for myself because Jesus already did it all - he died in my place so my soul will live. Today I am resting in the Truth, God is faithful, trustworthy and loving - he has never failed me. I know that these bumps, and rough patches are apart of the journey and sometimes it takes a painful situations to make us change (Proverbs 20:30), so I am embracing that today.
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3 comments:

  1. I'm happy to read that your road to recovery is going smoothly. I hope you get well soon, and are back to yourself. I have always believed that just like every other relationship in our lives, friends, and family, our relationship with God has its highs and lows. Sometimes life throws us a curveball that drops us to our knees, and we are left angry, sad, doubtful, defeated... Its not such an easy thing to let go, and let God. Sometimes I catch myself repeating that over and over to myself. I'll pray for you, and your husband. I trust that after this, your relationship with your husband, and God will be a much stronger one. My brother and his wife are dealing with infertility issues as well, and our families have learned to accept it, and just talk or listen to them when they open up about it. We no longer ask them "When will the babies come along?" Because youre right, they dont mean to be hurtful, but it is. Remain positive. Miracles happen!

    Thanks for following me, I look fwd to getting to know you better :)

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  2. I'm in a completely different season, but I just want you to know Jesus defeated everything at the cross. You may not feel victorious, but we have many battles to face and the best thing to do, is to let Jesus fight them with us! May you have a wonderful Sunday! Thank you for being so open!

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  3. I do love your honesty. And I know God does too. Sometimes we don't understand why we go through the things we do, but even still my hope for you is that God grant you the peace that passeth all understanding as you place this situation that is near and dear to your heart totally in His hands.

    XOXO

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