I am feeling completely overwhelmed inside. I have told you that I have struggled with contentment. I have asked for discontentment to be removed from me – I have prayed to be thankful in all circumstances. Today however I want to lay my life at your feet, I want to remove this façade to reveal my truly broken nature. You see on the inside I am always conflicted, my feelings are fleeting – sometimes I am happy, other times I am not. However when I keep my eyes on you I can feel joy even when I am sad, and I want to feel your joy every day.
I need your help. I now know that you are the only one who completes me, not even my husband who I love so dearly can do that. Not even my family who showers me with love can do that. Not even my friends who are so kind and always a joy to be around can do that. The way my husband, family, and friends make me feel is just temporary, although always welcomed – they cannot complete me. I never really looked to them to do that. As I have grown older, gotten married, went to college, moved into my own home, and started married life – I noticed I felt really empty inside. I had a void that seemed so large. A void that made me bitter, angry, unloving, and unlovable – a void that nearly tore my marriage apart a few years ago, a void that took me further from you than I have ever been. This void was a child.
For the first five years of dealing with the inability to conceive I have been angry, brokenhearted, bitter, and almost poor at the cost of infertility treatments. My marriage has suffered, my self esteem has suffered, my relationship with friends and other pregnant women have suffered – most of all my relationship with you, my God – has suffered. I am so sorry for thinking that anything could ever fill your place. I have seen that though I have not conceived and though it’s been my challenged for many years you have always given me joy, you have brought me PEACE. I have redefined PEACE since I began living for you. I know that PEACE is not living in perfection, but that PEACE is knowing that you have things under control even in the midst of chaos. Some of my dreams have not come true, but when I look at all that I do have – I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Thank you. I now know that my life is not about what I can physically reproduce but what I can spiritually reproduce to glorify your KINGDOM.
Daddy, I have not given up hope – I know all things are possible with you. I have not released a dream of becoming a mother one day, because I know that you put that desire in my heart and I know it will be fulfilled. I trust in you Daddy – I rely on your strength to climb the mountain that has been assigned to me. I am perfect in your sight even if I never conceive, even if I never birth, and even if I am never called MOM. I know that you love me and that is enough! I want to always believe and know that, even when times are at their roughest. So here is where I need your help – help me to always fill complete. Anytime that I feel that void I ask that you please send your Holy Spirit to remind me of who completes me.
I thank you for the courage that you have given me to share the depths of my life with people around me. I pray for the women out there who are like me. I ask that you bring them comfort and light – I pray that they would be aware of how much you love them and how they are complete in you. I pray that the world would not beat them down with questions about their fertility and that people would not patronize them for their desire to be mothers. I pray that the women and men who have had the chance to conceive would hold their children tight and know that they have received favor from you. I pray that all people of the world would see children as a blessing and a gift from you – and that they would value their lives, even at conc. I also pray for the men that hold our hands through the ups and down – please continue to provide strength to the husbands that are dealing with infertility too. Please renew their souls so they understand that they too are enough, that they are loved by their wives, and above all that they are loved and complete in you. I pray that family members and friends would have wisdom and think before they speak, that they will speak love where it is needed but that they will also give silence where it is required.
I pray for my own husband that he continues to see how grateful I am for him, and how much I adore him. Thank you for sending me this wonderful man. Help us to serve your Kingdom and to strive to complete your mission as we wait for your blessings.
I love you.